That said, today was the weirdest day in my days of writing. It was really ... I've never experienced this.
So I killed off my character yesterday. Today I had to hold services and write the fallout with the other characters. But I find myself in shock over their death. I've never been in shock before. I don't know if it's because I wasn't planning on killing them or if it's hitting too close to home, I don't know.
But I just keep going back to a year ago, when I got a Facebook update letting all of us know that my friend was going into hospice. They were my age. And it just sort of hits you right in the eyes, doesn't it? You can't cry, you have no words, and this weird thing happens to me where I smile? And I don't know why I smile. I start laughing and then I laugh even more because I feel like an awful jackass for laughing.
But I guess with this character, the suddenness of it all, the friendship between the character and my protagonist ... it wasn't meant to be my friend and it's not my friend, but it has that sort of jolting, jarring awfulness to it where one day, they're there ... the next day, they're not.
I guess it will make the scenes more genuine, the numbness the characters feel. But I feel like I'm too in their heads right now. I feel like when I step into that world, I'm sitting behind a thick fog of grief. And I've never been that connected to the ethos of my cast.
I don't really know where to go from here with this conundrum. If I take a break, wait it out, then I'll lose the catharsis. I'll lose the ideas and thoughts the characters are having in the moment. If I keep writing this way, I'm just going to write a lot of shocked crap.
In other news, I almost didn't suck at Ms. Pac Man tonight. Almost.